How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
