I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
