i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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