I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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