I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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