How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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