What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
