just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
