NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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