I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
