My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
