Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
