Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
