you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
