Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
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