I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
