I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
