Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
