So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
that's an acceptable place to lick
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
