I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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