My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
