Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
