he thought i was a dude.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize