I am in a vortex of obligation.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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