If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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