Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I yelled at your uterus for you.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
