I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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