I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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