My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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