Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
