I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
