apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
