Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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