best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
