we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
