i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I can't trust your balls anymore.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
