omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
