just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
