I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
