so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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