Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
