The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
