Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
