u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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