these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
My breath smells like gin and sadness
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
