turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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