shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
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I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
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I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
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