You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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