My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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