y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
