My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
