I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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