____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
