Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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