11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
